Safe house for battered men
India’s first domestic violence shelter for men opens its doors in
Bangalore. Here’s one harassed husband’s story from inside the shelter.
Francis Steven Dokka reports
For three months, a barely-furnished two-bedroom apartment on
Bannerghatta Main Road was "heaven" for Prithvi (31). The apartment is a
good advert for 'bare and minimum'--bean bags and plastic chairs in the
living room; mats and bedsheets for bedding and a kitchen that has
nothing more than essentials --a fridge, gas stove, some plates and
glasses, and filtered water cans. The place is bereft of anything that
usually makes a cold house a warm home. But for many harassed husbands
this has been 'heaven' when their own homes turned hellish. Welcome to
India's first domestic violence shelter for men.
The shelter was started on April 19 this year by Confidare
Consultancy, a Bangalore-based men’s rights organisation founded by
techies Anil Kumar, Virag Dhulia, Pandurang Katti and Mithun Kumar.
These names are well-known in India’s men’s rights movement. They have
made representations before the Indian Parliament and the US Senate. The
safe haven for men operates out of an apartment owned by one of the
founders and is an offshoot of the Men's Rights Community Center run by
Confidare in Koramangala. Anil says, “Actually, the defining moment to
start the shelter came many years ago when we started helplines for men
facing domestic violence. The domestic violence shelter was just a
logical extension of the helplines. Abused men are often coached by us
to leave the abusive spaces (their homes) and go to paying guest or
shared accommodations. Sometimes, we temporarily accommodate these
abused men in our own houses for a few days. Declaring a complete house
as a domestic violence shelter became the next logical step. It is not
natural for men to run away from homes if they face abuse, because
somehow society considers it unmanly, if a man runs away. Please note,
we do not advise men to file for divorce. We suggest that they move to
some other location to get some peace and recover.”
How Prithvi landed in the shelter is part of a bigger marital story
— similar to ones being played out across India. Prithvi, a native of
Hyderabad, was working at an IT firm in Bangalore, when he married a
BTech graduate from West Godavari district in Andhra Pradesh four years
ago. Soon, their marriage hit rough weather. Prithvi says, “My wife was
treating me like an ATM. She began to frequently make outrageous demands
that I buy her jewellery, take her to restaurants and movies. She
didn’t understand that a family cannot afford to splurge all the time.
When I didn’t meet her demands, she began complaining to her parents.”
“Before we tied the knot, she promised to work after marriage to
meet family expenses as Bangalore is a costly city. But after marriage,
she did a U-turn. She refused to work. She began to taunt me with 'Can’t
you feed your wife? Do you want your wife to earn and feed you?'
queries. She wanted to stay at home and enjoy life. Another major
disagreement was having kids. I wanted to have children but she wanted
to wait.”
Last October, their marital problems reached boiling point. “Our
arguments aggravated. She left me and went to her parents. I requested
her to return many times but she declined. Finally, I went to her
parents’ house to ask her to come home. She told me she would return
only if I signed half of my property in her name or give her Rs 15 lakh
as financial guarantee. I flatly rejected her conditions. She hit back
by filing a criminal case against me under the Domestic Violence Act
alleging that I had harassed her for dowry. In addition, she filed a
case seeking maintenance from me. Both the cases were filed in AP just
to harass me. She then mailed FIR copies to my employer and even sent a
telegram to my work place to portray me as a criminal. Thanks to her, I
lost my job. With cops chasing me and unemployed, I became depressed. I
even thought of suicide. That’s when I got in touch with Confidare
Consultancy and became its member.”
Prithvi landed at the shelter in April with two bags of clothes,
some books, and almost broke. “I was once making Rs 50,000 a month and
lived in a good house in Indiranagar paying Rs 12,000 as rent. Now, I
couldn’t afford to rent a place. I needed a place my wife could not
trace because I had to protect myself. I was fortunate to find this
sanctuary. Considering my financial condition, Confidare even waived the
fee.” Confidare charges a person Rs 150 per day to stay at the shelter.
Inmates must make their own arrangements for food. No deposit is taken.
Pandurang Katti, care-taker of the shelter, says, “This facility
operates on trust. Those wanting to stay here must be members for at
least six months and should gain our trust.” Pandurang emphasises it is
not a “paying guest” facility.
At Confidare, Prithvi was given legal advice, apprised of his
rights as a man and coached how to defend himself in court. “I also
received moral support there,” says Prithvi. The safe house can shelter
four men at any given time. Katti says: “As of now, we are not equipped
enough if men flood the place. That’s why we don’t want to publicise its
address.We do not have the bandwidth to run it on a 24/7 basis.”
How does Confidare ensure that it doesn’t end up accommodating at
the shelter men who have committed crimes against women? Virag says, “We
don’t judge anyone. The courts are there to judge who is innocent or
guilty. We only support to those who approach us. Generally, men who
have committed crimes do not approach us. Such people need not approach
us.The center’s aim is to help provide men temporary stay so that they
can stabilise themselves.”
At the shelter, Prithvi slowly began to pick up the pieces of his
broken life. “When I came to the safe house, I was vulnerable and on the
verge of losing my mind. However, at the shelter I got back peace of
mind. I began to think of my future course of action and started looking
for a job.”
At the shelter Prithvi would wake up at 7 am, sweep the apartment
and make breakfast. At 10 am, he would study law books for a couple of
hours. He would then head out for lunch. Post lunch, he would either
take a nap or go to an internet centre to apply for jobs. Evening, would
again be study time followed by dinner and sleep. He quips, “It was
good to get some sleep after many sleepless nights.”
The routine changed when new inmates arrived. He would interact
with them a lot and listen to their stories. “It helped to meet other
men like me there. Some of their stories were way worse than mine.”
During weekends, he used to volunteer at Confidare’s community centre in
Koramangala and counsel other men.
The stay at the shelter was also a humbling experience for Prithvi.
“I once lived very well. Here I was having lunch and dinner at roadside
eateries. I was living on money given by my retired parents, relatives
and friends.”
Anil says, “So far, six guys have stayed in the shelter, while
about 30 approached us to use the facility.” Anil is already thinking of
what will follow the shelter. “As it is certain that a lot of men may
not marry due to ever increasing complicated laws of marriage and the
high costs involved, the next logical step is to create hostels and old
age assisted-living facilities for such men, which can provide them some
security at old age. All this is part of a budding global men's
movement called MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way), where men may not
really seek committed female companionship or even children, but rather
prefer a peaceful or even monk like existence enriching their lives.”
Meanwhile, Prithvi’s job hunt has paid off. He moved out of the
shelter last week after he was hired by an IT firm in a city in South
India. He does not see any chance of reconciliation with his wife. He
wants to fight out all the cases filed by his wife. He says, “My
priority is to live peacefully and contribute something to society.”
That’s a big change in a man who entered the domestic violence shelter
three months ago contemplating suicide.
Community of confidants
Confidare Consultancy offers help for husbands physically or verbally
abused, or facing threats from their wives or in-laws. Its clientele
includes men facing police complaints and court cases related to marital
issues. It offers members coaching and education to be peaceful and
fight court cases effectively. Men seeking help from Confidare are
required to become members by paying a fee – Rs 2,500 for six months and
Rs 4,500 for one year. Membership is also open to NRIs. Confidare also
runs a Men’s Rights Community Center in Koramangala. The center offers
members access to basic law books, legal citations, reference material,
and videos related to laws and men’s rights.Anil says, “Our support
group meetings are like Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, where men feel
peaceful and free in spite of abuse and threats they face.” At one point
of time, a majority of Confidare’s members were techies. Virag says,
“Now, we have members from all strata of the society because men are
being abused irrespective of their position in society. We have members
who are auto drivers and bank attenders.“Helpline: 9008302822
